FIRST BLOODY SHOT IN AGES. EVERY
TWO WEEKS I STICK A NEEDLE
IN MY LEG AND HOPE I DON’T
FEEL IT. TODAY I STICK
IT IN HALFWAY AND FEEL
AN INTERNAL TWITCH. I THINK
ABOUT CHICKENING OUT AND
PUSHING THE PLUNGER, HALF IN.
I THINK ABOUT THE KIDS. I
THINK ABOUT THE KID I USED
TO BE. I STICK THE FUCKING NEEDLE
ALL THE WAY IN AND PUSH
THE PLUNGER DOWN, DOWN,
DOWN. POINT FIVE MILLILITERS.

LAST TIME THERE WAS NO BLOOD
BUT I COULDN’T BRING MYSELF
TO HILT THE FULL INCH
AND IT LEAKED. LAST WEEK I HAD BLOOD
IN MY UNDERWEAR AGAIN
AND MY BROTHER TEXTED ME
THE EXECUTIVE ORDER AGAINST
CHEMICAL MUTILATIONS OF CHILDREN.
I THINK OF THE KIDS TONIGHT
AS I PULL OUT THE NEEDLE
AND IT COMES OUT CLEAN,
SHINY, SILVER. THE BLOOD
COMES OUT TOO, PUDDLED,
DARK RED. I REACH OVER
FOR TOILET PAPER. SOAK IT UP.

WHEN I WAS A KID I WAS
AFRAID OF BLOOD TESTS.
(STILL AM.) WHAT IF IT NEVER
STOPS BLEEDING? BUT IT ALWAYS
STOPS BLEEDING. I LIFT
THE TOILET PAPER. ONE TINY BEAD
WELLING UP. I WONDER HOW MUCH T
I JUST BLED AWAY. I WONDER IF
THERE’LL BE BLOOD IN MY
UNDERWEAR AGAIN.

HALF AN HR AGO I HEARD
THEY’VE PAUSED ALL GENDER
AFFIRMING SURGERIES FOR TEENS
AT SEATTLE CHILDREN’S HOSPITAL.
ONE JUST HOURS AWAY. CAN YOU IMAGINE.
AFTER WAITING MONTHS, IF NOT YEARS.
I THINK OF THE KIDS AND STICK ON
A BANDAID. WASH MY HANDS. MASSAGE
MY LEG. I’M STILL AFRAID THE BLEEDING
WILL NEVER STOP. I HAVE FAILED
THIS BODY OF MINE FOR SO LONG.

I SIT DOWN TO WRITE
THIS AND MY LEG TWINGES.
I THINK OF THE KIDS WHO WILL
NOT MAKE IT FOUR MORE YEARS.
I THINK OF THE KIDS WHO DID
NOT MAKE IT. I COULD HAVE
BEEN ONE OF THEM. I HAVE ONLY
BEEN ALIVE THREE AND A HALF
YEARS, A LITTLE MORE. CAN
YOU IMAGINE.

I THINK OF THESE KIDS AND I
CRY A LITTLE. I WAS ONE
OF YOU. MY BODY WAS
ONCE YOUR BODY. I NEVER
THOUGHT I WOULD MAKE IT.
I CAN IMAGINE. I WANT TO
CHECK UNDER THE BANDAID.
I’M STILL AFRAID. THIS
IS WASHINGTON. I THINK
OF THE KIDS IN OHIO. I
THINK OF THE KID I WAS
IN OHIO. I THINK OF
NEX BENEDICT, LEELAH ALCORN.
ALL THE UNNAMED AND
DEADNAMED KIDS WHO DID
NOT MAKE IT. I COULD
HAVE BEEN ONE OF THEM.

MY BACK ACHES AND MY HAND
ACHES. I FAIL THE KIDS WHEN
I FAIL THIS BODY OF MINE.
SOME DAYS & MOST NIGHTS I
DON’T BELIEVE I’LL MAKE IT
ANOTHER FOUR YEARS BUT
I FAIL THE KIDS IF I FAIL
THIS BODY OF MINE.
I FAIL THE KIDS IF I DO NOT
PUT THIS BODY OF MINE ON
THE LINE FOR THEM.
I FAIL THE KIDS IF I DO NOT
STAY ALIVE.
MY LEG ACHES. I KNOW
THE BLEEDING WILL STOP.
I STILL WANT TO CHECK.